MUSICAL DISCRIMINATORY JOKES
Q. What good things come from locating a saw player in a the viola section of an orchestra?
A. Diced violas, Perfect harmony, And a huge improvement to the orchestral performance.
Q. What’s the difference between a baritone and a chain saw?
A. The exhaust.
Q. What’s the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
a. Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
b. It’s easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
Q.What’s the difference between an alto clarinet and a chain saw?
A. The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
Q. What’s the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
A. A chain saw would sound better in a string quartet.
Q. How do you make a chainsaw sound like a principal cornet player?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. Why is violin better than a string bass ?
A. It takes longer to cut through a string bass.
Q. What’s the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A. Nobody cries when you cut through an oboe.
Q. What’s the best way to play a viola?
A. With a hack saw.
Q. How do you make a band saw sound better than a principal trombone?
A. Turn it on.
Q. How do you make a double bass sound in tune?
A. Cut it up and make it into a xylophone.
A viola player decides that he’s had enough of being a viola player being unappreciated and having to put up with all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments. He goes into a shop, and says, “I want to buy a Musical Saw.” The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, “You must be a viola player.” The viola player is astonished, and says, “Well, yes, I am……. But how did you know?”
“Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop.”
A viola player and a sawyer are in the pub after a rehearsal watching the 10 O’clock news. A man is shown threatening to jump off a large bridge in the centre of Yorkshire. The viola player bets the sawyer £20 that he wont jump. The sawyer quickly accepts the bet.
A moment later the man did jump off the bridge and So the viola player reluctantly handed over the £20, but the honest sawyer said “I can’t take this”! To which the viola player replied “No,….. a bets a bet. You won it, so please take the money.”
At this point the sawyer confesses saying…… “Listen, I have to admit that I saw the 5 O’clock news, so I really can’t take your money.”
The viola player replied, “So did I……. but I never thought he’d jump again.”