Saw Jokes – Part1

A Question I’m often asked is what’s the range of a musical saw?
It usually about 20 meters depending upon whether you have a good arm.

In the UK how many saw players can you fit into a letterbox ?
All of them, as there is so few of us.

What kind of instrument does a pre-historic musical saw player play ?
A DinoSaw

Music played by two saw players is called a duel.

Three musical saw men were sitting in a pub together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.
The first man had married a girl from Westmorland, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to have to do all the dishes and the house cleaning. He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a girl from Norfolk. He boasted that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Yorkshire girl from Huddersfield. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

After a concert in a principal Yorkshire town the MC asked the Yorkshire sawyer ….”Have you lived here all your life”?
After a long pause the sawyer replied with……… “Don’t know yet”!

During a musical saw duel (duet) between the Yorkshire and Lancashire musical saw players both parties sustained some major injuries to their ears. Both parties were rushed to the local Accident and Emergency centre where the duty doctor confirmed the severity of their injuries. “Well at least your ear holes aren’t damaged, but I now need to find you some donor ears”.
A couple of days later the doctor rings up both patients to tell them to attend the clinic as soon as possible as he had good and bad news. The following day both sawyers turned up at the clinic where the doctor said ” I’ve located some donor ears both of you, but they’re not quite what you’re expecting.” Turning to the Yorkshire man the doctor said “For you I have located a dogs ear”. Then turning to the Lancashire man
the doctor said ” For you I have located a pig’s ear”. “Don’t worry”, he then exclaimed to both patients, ” you’ve both got long hair so no one will see them.”
A couple of weeks later and after the operation both patients re-attend the clinic. The Yorkshire man claimed that his dog’s ear was amazing as he could hear other musical saw players across the whole county”.
The doctor then turned to the Lancashire man and asked “What about the pig’s ear?” to which the reply was ” Its not very good as all I can hear is crackling!”

An unemployed sawyer got a new job at the City zoo. He is asked to dress up in a gorilla’s suite and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the suite and goes into the gorialla’s cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts to put on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
However during an acrobatic attempt, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lay there stunned, the lion roars. The sawyer is terrified and starts screaming, “Help, Help!”
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, “I’m really a viola player, but shut up or we’ll both lose our jobs!”

Two Yorkshire musical saw men and a Lancashire lumberjack were walking across the Pennines. All of a sudden one of Yorkshiremen ran up to the top of the hill to the mouth of a small limestone cave. He took a deep breath and called into the cave ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ and listened closely until he heard an answering, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran in to cave with a big smile on his face. Puzzled by this ritual the Lumberjack asked the remaining musical sawman “Was the other man mad?”
“Ney lad”, he replied, “It is our custom in these parts of Yorkshire during our mating season”. “When a Yorkshireman finds a cave, he must cry out, ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening. If he gets an answer back, it means there’s a grand looking Yorkshire Lass is in there waiting for him”.A few miles later they came across another cave cut into the millstone grit. The remaining musical saw man ran up to its entrance and cried out, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”. A few moments later …….there was the answer. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” An excited musical saw man tore off his clothes and ran in.
The Lumberjack continued alone for a long while through several dales and over beautiful countryside. He came across a third much larger cave. As he looked in amazement at the sheer size, he wondered just how many fine looking women could be waiting for him inside.. He stood in front of the opening, and with all his might he cried out “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” Like with the other caves, he heard the answering calling back, ‘WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!” With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Huddersfield Examiner read “NAKED LANCASHIRE LUMBERJACK’s LIFE CUT SHORT BY TRANS PENNINE EXPRESS TRAIN”.

Its not true that saw players can only play music written in cut common common time. There is nothing common about about a saw player and besides why bother having two beats when you can slice it up even further and do everything in one.

Bill and Roy are two Yorkshire men working at the local sawmill. Norman is very accident prone. One day Norman slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Roy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Norman to the local hospital. Next day, Roy goes to the hospital and asks about Norman. The nurse says, “Oh he’s out in Rehab exercising”. Roy couldn’t believe it, but there’s Norman out in the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he’s back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by, and then Norman slips and severs his leg on another big saw. So Roy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Norman off to the hospital. A day later he goes to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, “He’s out in the Rehab again exercising”. And sure enough, there’s Norman out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Norman comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Roy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Norman to the hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Norman is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, “He’s dead”. Roy is shocked, but not surprised, and says to the nurse: “I suppose the saw finally did him in”.
“No”, says the nurse, “Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated”.

The Speeding Sawman (but not me !!!!)
A Police Constable was sitting on the hard shoulder on a busy dual carriage way just outside Bradford . He was watching the traffic go by when a car shot past him doing over 120 mph! On when the blue lights and with his foot to the floor the PC chased him along the road until he caught up with the driver and managed to pull him over just outside Keighley. Calmly the PC went up to the car, banged on the window and shouted, “Do you realise that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?”
A musical saw player (Sawman) opened the window and replied,
Sawman :-“Was I officer, I’m terribly sorry but I wasn’t aware of that.”
PC : -“Let me see your drivers license please?”
Sawman :- ” Sorry I don’t have one officer.”
PC :- “Of course you do,”
Sawman : “No sir, I don’t,”.
PC :- “So why do you have this car?”
Sawman :- “Well you see this isn’t my car, I’ve just stolen it” PC :- The excited officer, thinking of his promotion prospects said “So you are driving a stolen car?”
Sawman :- “Yes I’m afraid so sir,”
PC :- Looking puzzled the policeman said, “Let me see the registration documents, so we can find out who it really belongs to.”
Sawman :- ” Sorry, but there is nothing in the car except a bag of Yorkshire Mixture sweets , oh, and my razor sharp saw covered in blood under the blanket on the back seat.”
PC :- “Your saw…. And covered in blood!” exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man sounded to be potentially dangerous. “So you don’t have a drivers license, you’ve stolen this car, and there is a saw covered in blood under the blanket on the back seat ”
Sawman :- “Yes sir”……….. Oh yes and by the way there’s a sliced up body in the boot of the car.” PC :- “WHAT!!” said the PC turning white, “Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a saw covered in blood under the blanket on the back seat and there’s a sliced body in the boot of the car?” Sawman :- “Yes, that’s right” , sounding slightly irritated.
PC :- In a panic the PC shouted “Look, throw your keys out of the car onto the floor and don’t touch anything! Don’t move, don’t even breathe” and with that the PC ran to his car and radioed for help, ” Help ……I want to speak to the Chief Inspector (CI) and make it quick!”
CI:- After a minute the chief inspector came on the line, “What is it,” he said.
PC :- “I’ve got a man here whose a complete lunatic. He has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a saw covered in blood on the back seat under a blanket, and there’s a sliced up body in the boot of the car.”
CI:-  “I’ll be right there,” said the chief and sure enough within ten minutes the saw player and the car were surrounded. There was the Chief of Police, an armed response unit and the whole of the West Yorkshire Police force was there as backup.
The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and said very nervously to the driver, “Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?”
Sawman :- “Of course you can….. here it is”  and he produced it from his back pocket.
CI:- Looking puzzled, the chief then asked, “Is this your car?”
Sawman :-“Yes”
CI:- “Can I see your registration documents please ?” and with that  the saw man began to lean over to the back seat of the car when the Chief shouted “ Stop ……Please don’t do that sir!”
Sawman :-“Why?”…….I thought you wanted my registration documents. ”  
CI:- “I do, but there’s a saw covered in blood under the blanket on the back seat ”
Sawman :- “Don’t be silly,” and he removed a blanket to reveal a musical saw case with the words “Entertainer” written on it ,a bag of Yorkshire mixture sweets and a black wallet with the cars registration documents.
CI:- “Let me get this right,” said the chief, “You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no saw covered in blood on the back seat. ”
Sawman :- “Yes,”.
CI: – “And there is no body in the boot of the car, I suppose,”
Sawman: –  “BODY!” exclaimed the sawman, “Why would you think I would have a body boot of my car?”
CI:- “Sir I apologise for this, but the PC  told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a saw covered in blood, and there was a sliced up body in the boot of your car.”
Sawman :- “Why…. that’s just terrible. Are Policeman allowed to do that kind of thing these days? What is the world coming to when you can’t trust a Policeman ……..l bet he also said I was also speeding at 120 miles an hour, too!”

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